My house in total choas. I have clothes up the wall that needs to be washed, floors that need vacum, beds that need to be made, dusting needs to be done, floors need to be swept, dishes that need to be put away and dishwasher loaded, and yet I sit here on the cumputer. Wonder why? Maybe tomorrow I will get to the things that needed to be done. yeah, right been saying that for a while. Oh, toliets that need to be scrub. I have better things to do. I'm trying to figure out what my life is to be. I'm at a dead still on trying to find a job. I think that is what is depressing me. That and JB will be leaving soon. It just seems that the day is getting closer and closer and I can't stop time. Why can't I turn back the hand on the time clock and go back when he was little and trully learn to enjoy those moments? Why do I have to grow old and he has to grow up? Why can't I trully express what love and admiration that I have for him? Why can't I express that to each one of my kids? They now that I do love them but do they really know how much? Does each one of them trully know how much joy and love they have brought into my life? Sure I tell them but do they really hear me?
It seems that life passes by way to quickly . I have decided today that no matter what I'm going to write a personal letter to each one of the 6 kids and tell them how I feel. It will be a personal written letter. I will pour my heart out to each one. Life is to short to let a day pass without expressing your love and well being. I will also let my DH know that I love and apperciate him too. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Who knows how long we have on this earth? I do know one thing, when my time comes for me to go home, I want my family and friends to know that they were loved. Yes, I have been angry with DH for he feels like I'm not doing my part with the household by not bringing in income. I have said some mean things to him but he has made me feel like I was a failure and the only reason we have a marriage is to help pay bills. Yes, i have faults , a whole lot of them, and I ask for forgiveness and to help me overcome them. Maybe I don't show DH how much Ilove him and apperciate him. I have prayed and prayed for some answers. I guess only time will tell. Oh, I'm not talking about divorce, for the old coot is stuck with me. I just need to know where I fit in. What my roles are. I have tried to show him a Christian wife and mother but I just don't know whatelse to do.